Self-Destructive Downward Spiral

Let's reflect on the past few months... now let's see - I had it all at one point - flat, job, girlfriend, gym membership. I was king of the world!! Well, relative to now anyway. So what happened?

Goodbye Gym
Shortly after I joined Healthland in November, it went bust and closed down (just before New Year). Apparently it was the third time it's happened and perhaps they were giving away too many cheap memberships to the likes of me! Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, it couldn't be helped. Surprising too, as it was always so busy. This was bad timing as I had a fitness plan drawn up, due to start in the new year :( However, up until then I did get a lot of use out of the equipment, especially the treadmills. At one point I did feel quite fit and on top of the world.

Apparently I may be able to claim a refund of my membership fee through the bank.

Goodbye Flat
I've explained earlier what happened here (regarding the Lawrence St flat). Initially the flat was very appealing but conflicting lifestyles and the boiler breaking down put paid to my stay there. It all started to go wrong when I got the job. I got lucky with my new place though so that's a plus.

Goodbye Girl
This is the big one - the most critical loss for me. At first Gillian was very keen indeed on me, and I liked her a lot, but I think she was gradually put off. There was always the Ayr-Glasgow distance thing which made it awkward to see each other regularly, but that shouldn't have been an issue if other aspects had worked out. In total I only saw her about 9 times, each for a couple of hours, and we never really got to know each other. We went to the cinema a couple of times, and to the pub a couple of times, which for the most part were great occasions in themselves as it was so good to see her. Most of these times there were friends present and/or it was a public place, so there really was hardly any opportunities when it was just us alone. What made it more awkward was that she lives with her parents and they don't let her have guys in the house! She was at my flat a couple of times and I went to hers when her parents were away, which provided a better opportunity to get up close and personal, but it just wasn't enough!

I reckon the pivotal point in the relationship came one night when I went down to see her in Ayr after going with some workmates to the pub. The night was going great (despite ending up in Club de Mar), and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. At one point I starting smoking cigarettes, and thereafter she refused to kiss me, as she hates smoking. I stupidly went in a huff (I was very drunk), and when we left, we weren't really talking. I asked her "do you think this is going to work out?" And once that the doubt was there, it was downhill from then on. To make matters worse, I starting shouting "I f**king hate Ayr", as I really was in a state at that point. On reflection, I really screwed it up that night. Previously she thought I was the best boyfriend since sliced bread. She later made it clear that she hated Glasgow and was reluctant to travel up and down.

At first, it was easy to talk to her, as we were going through the motions of getting to know each other. Eventually, though, conversation bacame more awkward, and I'm not sure if we had a lot in common. I'll never know though, and I suspect that it was largely my fault, because most times I saw her I was either tired (struggling with altered sleep pattern) or generally not in the mood (hungover and/or body missing the gym routine). Stopping the regular exercise may have been an issue as I did gradually become more lethargic and probably a lot less fun to be with than at first.

My new job may have had a detrimental effect also; as well as arranging dates with her whilst also trying to adjust to early mornings, there was also the regular trips to the pub with workmates, which detracted from what should have been my priority - Gillian. New Year was good also, as she stayed at my flat, with one thing in mind, but unfortunately I was so drunk I couldn't "do the business" - this must have been so offputting for her (that and my breath would have reeked of tobacco).

Eventually the killer blow came in the form of a text message which read something like "I don't think we should see each other any more. You're a really nice guy but deserve better. We've got nothing in common. You hate Ayr, I hate Glasgow - sorry." 2 days of deep, dark depression later, I was trying to work out what happened. The reasons she gave for it not working out weren't convincing enough, and I was sure it was more deep-rooted - hence the previous rant. I did text her back and eventually she said she would see me again, which was a bit of a relief. Nothing much really happened after that. She came up to Lawrence St once as she was wanting me to show her where Hunter Hall was (Glasgow Uni), as there was some open day thing for social work training courses. We chatted, but in a friendly sort of way. We were texting each other every day, but circumstances (e.g. holidays, moving job/flat) prevented us from seeing each other again. Eventually I found out that her friend had committed suicide. She told me this, then shortly after, I went to Amsterdam, and never heard from her again. I've texted her a few times but got no reply. I don't know how she's doing or nothing - it's frustrating to say the least.

So after a few months, what could've been a good relationship came to an end. When I didn't hear back from her I was devastated. I really like her, and I think it's hit me harder as it was my first seriousish relationship. I'll maybe see her again but it looks doubtful.

To this day I'm not too sure what happened but I think it was not seeing each other enough and hence not really getting to know each other which caused the relationship to fail. I'm still very upset about it, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I reckon if I'd made more effort and been more attentive and assertive, it might've worked.

Goodbye Job
I explained in the previous post what happened here. Had I not been late, there would have been no excuse to sack me, whether personal issues came into it or not. I may have been able to help prevent Mark's sacking too, as I could have advised him to be more sensible. Although he doesn't make it obvious, I think he looks up to me to set an example, being 5 years older. The critical latenesses towards the end were probably mainly down to being too fond of an alcoholic tipple the night before work and going to bed too late. This could have been prevented.

Summary
When analysing what went wrong, the impression I get is that too much was happening to me too soon, and I simply couldn't sustain all these things together (down to lack of experience). It was this inability to give my full concentration to each separate aspect which led to my downfall. The gym thing couldn't be helped but that may well have been the beginning of the end. If I devoted all my effort to the relationship it may well have worked. If I'd concentrated on the flat, I could've prevented the boiler from breaking by stopping it from running out of gas (not just my fault though). I could've been more friendly with my flatmates and hence made living there a more pleasant experience. I could've made sure I was never late for work, and even kept my manager sweet so as she would be reluctant to sack me if the opportunity did arise. Constant fluctuation in circumstances combined with a self-destructive nature meant I went from an extreme high to an extreme low in the space of a few months.

By self-destructive, I effectively mean I have a highly addictive personality. I've got too much of a hedonistic approach and lack of self-disipline, and tend to burn myself out (e.g. through excessive drinking or sleeping), which has severe after-effects on my life. I seem to struggle to "multitask" and manage different aspects of my life and only seem to do well when focussing on one thing at a time. If this is true, then it's what's cost me these fundamental things in my life (especially the girlfriend), but I suppose it's all part of the learning process. I see those self-destructive aspects in Mark as well, and living with someone who is like that also can only be a bad thing, as you just encourage each other, and end up messing things up. Given that he's still at school age it doesn't help matters! A good flatmate all the same.

Oh well, better luck next time. Here's hoping...