Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my birthday today - I'm 24! I'm at the stage in life where I don't care about birthdays or how old I am. It's how you feel that matters. In fact, as I've been getting older in the past couple of years, I've been feeling younger - I guess it must be down to a healthier lifestyle. I'm not doing anything as such to celebrate my birthday, except for the party I've got planned on the 17th September.

As a treat, I popped into the Virgin Megastore and purchased 4 CDs from the "4 for £20" range; 3 Pixies albums and an album by Kraftwerk (a random choice to make up the numbers).

Since last night I've viewed 2 flats; the first was a small 2-bedroom place in Mount Florida, sharing with a Moby lookalike, who is doing a degree in computer games design. The other place was today on Woodlands road, sharing with 3 girls and a guy. The first flat is nice, and cheaper than my current place, but with travel expenses included would work out just as expensive. The second place was pretty scabby, although cheaper. I don't think either would suit me.

I'll continue the search on Wednesday, once I've done another couple of shifts in the nightmare that is the Goldfish bowl.

So Self Absorbed

First of all, thankyou to all those randoms who left a comment on my last post - it makes me feel all warm inside. I will get round to reading your stuff too.

...However, not one of you expressed any concern about my mental health... just kidding of course!

Dispute Resolved
Well, since my last post me and Shagger have resolved our differences and are now back on friendly terms. To be honest, I didn't think it would happen, and I was intent on not speaking to him again, but largely down to his efforts, it's all sorted. I really had a go at him the next day, venting what seemed like months worth of frustration, but in a very mature way he asked me to calm down and talk about the problem. We discussed it and (probably due to me being a good listener and him being a good talker), and he managed to convince me into seeing things from his point of view. After, I did feel completely calm and all the resentment and frustration had seemingly just washed away. We both agreed we had both been well out of order and then that was it - sorted. I was intending on moving out anyway shortly but it seemed daft to live those last few days in a flat full of tension.

Although it was very unfair and unconsiderate of him to have a party at 2am on a Tuesday night, when I was up the later that morning for a 12-hour shift in a shitty call centre, I did realise it was a bit crazy of me to go in and confiscate the TV, aggressively ripping out the cables and throwing CDs/DVDs about in the process. However, at the time it's not always easy to think rationally. My behaviour was I think mainly down to feeling generally frustrated over the past few weeks and it was all too easy to take it out on someone given the slightest excuse. You live and you learn. It's all sorted now.

One thing that Shagger pointed out which I agree with is that I am quite a self-absorbed person. You can probably tell form reading this blog. Sometimes it can be my undoing.

New Flat
My current lease expires on the 21st September and I've started looking for a new place already. As Shagger is now on £18k a year + bonuses (not bad for 18), he can comfortably afford to stay in the penthouse. I, however, cannot. As well as looking for a place myself, he will need to advertise for a new flatmate. I phoned a couple of numbers today and have arranged a couple of viewings today and tomorrow. Next week I plan to view as many places as possible. I'll keep you updated.

As Good As Gold, As Tedious As Goldfish
Work's been increasingly tedious, and yesterday I must've spent about 7 hours of my shift taking the same old payment calls - yawn. As soon as I've got a new flat I will be looking for a new job, pronto. It's not so much the call centre that bothers me, it's probably more the 12 hour shifts in that kind of job. I can't take much more - agghhh. I was interviewed briefly regarding my being AWOL on Wednesday but I explained my reasons and everything should be fine (aside from not getting paid).

Cds/Books
I'm really into music and recently have been listening to a lot of albums (I'm more of an album than singles person). I've been listening to some Joy Division, a bit of Air, and Coldplay as well (the last 2 albums). They're not everyone's cup of tea, but I think they're one of the few bands who produce full albums of good/great songs - all killer no filler, as the saying goes. A Rush of Blood to the Head is a good album - any album with songs like Clocks, Green Eyes and the title track on the same album must be a damn good one. The new one, X & Y, is really good, too. Often the lyrics leave a lot to be desired, and to be honest I've no idea what most of the songs are about, but the music itself is often sublime.

I recently discovered the Pixies as well; I'd never paid them any notice before, but saw a couple of promos on MTV/VH1 or something - Monkey Gone to Heaven and Here Comes Your Man, which I liked, and I recently discovered those songs are both on the same album (Doolittle) - I spotted the album in HMV for £4.99 and had to have it. I've listened to the album several times since and find it very addictive. It's packed with short punk/pop songs each roughly 2 1/2 minutes long, which are as catchy as they are wierd - the band of the moment for me. They've reformed recently as well.

Also recently, I've purchased a couple of books; as I mentioned before, I've got a book about Ian Curtis and Joy Division in the pipeline, and today I got Crazy Diamond - Syd Barrett & the Story of Pink Floyd, and also Gigantic - The Story of Frank Black & the Pixies - I only just realised after typing this, but those are too strangely similar titles, something I didn't realise before. I do enjoy reading but it's something I'm just not in the habit of doing.

And so, today I met Shagger in Times Square in St Enoch Square, before coming here, to the EasyInternet cafe. Later, I'm going to view a flat. It'll probably be a quiet weekend for me as I've got some events lined up over the next couple of weeks. What I haven't probably mentioned is that I got my old Motorola mobile phone unlocked and have been using it with my new SIM card. Should be able to get an upgrade from o2 in a couple of months anyway, but ladies if you need to contact me, you can now.

Watch this space.

Tension

Here are the latest events/musings...

Fight Club 2am
Last night, in the flat, all hell broke loose. I was meant to be working 8.30am-8.30pm today. I went to bed early, so as to get about 8 hours sleep. I was about to drift off when... my flatmate came in, and had brought some people back to the flat for a party. First there was the slamming of doors, then the talking in really loud voices - this I could've put up with. However, then came the music; hard house, banging relentlessly.

There was no way I could sleep with that on, especially because the walls are almost paper thin (the living room is next to my room and you can hear everything). I then asked to speak to Shagger in private in the hall. I asked politely could he turn it down? He agreed. That's fine I thought, so back to bed I went. 5 minutes later, the music was back on, even louder. I waited a while, to see if he'd remember I was trying to sleep, and turn it down. Nope. Still as loud as ever.

I then decided if he's not going to listen to me then I'll just go and confiscate my TV (through which the music was being played), so as I might have a chance of getting to sleep. By this time I could get 5 hours sleep at most. I went through and (aggressively) unplugged the tv, cables etc, and proceeded to take it back through to my room (the tv is on wheels). There were then protests of "what are you playing at?" etc. I had to explain to the guests that I was trying to sleep. Shagger then got very upset and followed me through to my room, where he told me to apologise to his guests. I explained to him that he was completely out of order and had no consideration for me at all and he knew fine well I was up for the long shift the next day. This is when it really kicked off. He then started to talk down to me in the most obnoxious manner, saying I'd embarrassed him in front of his guests. I explained I just wanted a sleep - was it too much to ask? He then threatened my, saying "I'll throw you down those fecking stairs", "slap me about" etc, then I responded by calling him an "arrogant little shit", asking him "who the feck do you think you are?" and telling him I "couldn't fecking stand him", and "I can't wait to move out". He then became aggressive and punched the wall, leaving a hole. I said to him "don't fecking wind me up, you little prick!"

I then went to go to the kitchen and get a glass of water, and he was then trying to stop me leaving my room. He said, "you'll fecking get a glass of water from the bathroom - stay out of the fecking kitchen. You're making a fool of yourself." As you can imagine I was getting extremely angry. I went to barge past him into the kitchen and he went for me. I grabbed him to restrain him and we ended up on the hall floor. He tried to hit me, but I had his arms restrained. The other guy, one of his guests, then pulled him back. We stood up, he went for me again, and just as hell really was about to break loose, the guy grabbed him and held him back. He demanded I apologise to him - the cheek! I said he owes me an apology and then said I was going to bed and would have words with him tomorrow. By this point I could get 4 hours sleep if I was lucky. Shorlty after, the music was back on again, even louder, as he'd taken his stereo through from his room, just to spite me. I left it this time. Like I said, I'd speak to him tomorrow. My alarm was set for 7.10am I was still wide awake by 5am.

As a result, I had to phone in sick today, and as a result I could lose my job - this is because I slept through my alarm and couldn't let them know until after 12 noon. Shagger must have slept in too, as he was in bed right up until I left the flat today around 3pm. I'm hoping he felt too ashamed to face the world and the consequeces of what he had done, now he was sober. There is now a huge hole in the wall in the hall, and no doubt we will both have to pay through the nose to repair it. He's broken every rule of flatmate etiquette and doesn't seem to know the meaning of the words consideration, courtesy or respect. I now have no time for him whatsoever as he's taken it too far. He was wanting to stay on but I doubt Edzell will let him, because of the damage.

I really have done so much to help the boy and have been very patient and tolerant. What he did last night to me and the way he treated me is unforgivable. I will now not speak to him any more. He's lost one of the few friends he has. My plan now is to find another place A.S.A.P.

Oh and I found out that the little prick has scratched my Verve CD beyond recognition.

Feck.

The Girls of Glasgow
I came up with an idea, prompted by my random wanderings about Glasgow, especially in the centre/west end. The idea is to do a calendar entitled "Girls of Glasgow Calendar 2005". This is because the city is teeming with some absolutely stunning females and I think this should be celebrated in all its glory. This would involve going up to girls and taking their photo in public.

On second thoughts, scrap that idea, I might get arrested!

BSc
For lunch, the other day, I got a BSc in Greggs - not a degree, you understand, but a bridie, sausage roll and cheese 'n' onion pastie. Very tasty, but the health factor there leaves a lot to be desired.

As you can probably tell, my topics of discussion are becoming less and less interesting.

In Summary
One day, when I'm nice and settled into a nice new flat, am satisfied with my job and relationships, then I'm going to publish a post entitled: "I did it! I'm finally content with the way things are! I've nothing to moan about at all!" - until then you'll have to make do with this doom and gloom/random nonsense.

Blah

It's Sunday. I'm bored. I'm in EasyInternet cafe. What do I do? I type a large post full of fun and thrills and excitement. I go out in a blog of glory...

Past
It's been hard, you know. I don't particularly want any sympathy but just thought I'd let you know the past 9 months or so have been hard. Most of my life I've been generally lazy, and have always had my parents' financial support etc. I'd never had a proper job (except numerous paper rounds as a kid) and to suddenly decide last November to go out and become self-sufficient in the "big, bad world" was a big step. Mind you, I had to, as I was getting completely fed up. That initial move into the student flat in the west end seems like a lifetime ago! So much has happened since then (by my standards). In a month I'll probably be in my 4th different house in 10 months. In 2 months I'll probably have a new job (my 5th in 11 months). I just wish things would settle for me instead of all this moving around but it's all down to my choices and the circumstances I've found myself in. I think I have been stressed recently, this emphasised by the intense 12 hour shifts I've been working in my current job.

Things have been ok in general. It could be a damn sight worse. In the flat it's been ok. My flatmate has been making his efforts, and I think getting an overdraft at the bank was a good thing for him. He's now paid off the rent, and his debt to me, his uncle etc. He called the council to discuss a payment plan for all the outstanding tax. He says he'll sort out the bills. He says he's getting not only a bonus but also a payrise, from £6 to £9 an hour - not bad for an 18-year old - that is if he's telling the truth. Things are looking good and I'm no longer worried about the flat arrears as I was before. Shagger hates his job but is very good at it apparently, and if you do well in sales, there's a lot of financial rewards to be had. There's no love lost between us. He is a decent wee guy but just has a lot to learn and some growing up to do. All he seems to need is someone to tell him where he's going wrong and he's willing to make the effort.

As I said before, I lost my phone. As my birthday is coming soon, my mum took me out shopping in Glasgow, to get me a new phone as an early present. When I went to the o2 shop I was told that if I wait 2 months I'll be eligible for an upgrade from o2, if I renew my contract for 12 months. This would mean getting a brand new phone for nothing! Obviously I decided to wait. On the same day I also had a chat with my mum about what I'm doing and where I'm going in general and that was encouraging. I'd received a new SIM card and was now faced with the dilemma of how to get a useable phone for the next 2 months. I have an old Orange one (purchased on 9/11 - just before the Twin Towers fell - that's how I remember) - 4 years old and already an antique. I took it to "Carfone Repair Centre", under the Central Station bridge, but they said they couldn't unlock it as was too old. This meant it was likely I'd be without a phone for a while. When I checked my online bill at work, I found that I'd been the victim of fraud and that someone had run up a £6 phonecall which I'd have to pay for - bastard! Just as well I got it barred when I did or the damage could've been much worse.

Present
Now to the present; my friend Martyn (just out of hospital) paid a surprise visit the other day, upon hearing that I'd lost my phone. With him he'd brought 2 phones (which he'd found when he worked at the cinema). Both were o2 compatible. The first one I tried but as it had been reported lost, the handset was barred. Yesterday I took it to the place under the bridge but they said the bar couldn't be removed - hence it was no use. The second one was ok, a Sony Ericsson. However I couldn't use it as my SIM card was needing activated. I called o2 customer service on Friday to activate it - they said it'd take up to 24 hours. 24 hours later, it still wasn't active. I called again and they said it'd take an hour. An hour later, I called again, only to find it'd take a further 24 hours. 24 hours later, still no active SIM - I called today, (the 4th time) only to find they'd activated the wrong SIM serial number! f**king call centres! I now understand why some customers get so damn frustrated! Anyway, My SIM's now active and I have a phone I can use it with. Martyn Lyall, I know you don't read this, but thank you - you are fantastic! That's what friends are for etc.

As regards the flat, it looks as if Shagger has taken care of the arrears and has consolidated his debt into one single, affordable monthly payment, in the form of his overdraft. However, I think I may be leaving the flat at the end of September (we're going to extend the lease until the 22nd), as it's just too expensive for me on £6.15 an hour. I have nothing against Shagger - he's a nice guy and has really made the effort recently, but I just don't want to spend over half my earnings on accomodation, and so I think I'll be looking elsewhere, preferably for a place with at least 2 others - this would bring the council tax cost down. I will miss the penthouse and the location (in terms of local conveniences) is second to none. However, I need to get my priorities right, and besides I enjoy looking at/moving into new places. Shagger has decided to stay indefinitely as the move is too much hassle for him and he should be able to comfortably afford it once he's got a pay rise. Me moving out means he'll have to advertise for a new flatmate. We'll still keep in touch anyway. Before I go, I'll be wanting to have a large party (our long awaited "flatwarming"), as a celebration of my time there. I can't believe it's been nearly 6 months!

I was eventually wanting to get contact lenses, but have decided to opt for a new pair of specs instead, with those lenses which darken when exposed to bright light. This kind of lense is what I need, especially given my recent eye problems and prolonged exposure to computer screens and neon lights (in the call centre). A friend from work got laser eye surgery but I think I'll settle for getting contacts eventually. I think laser surgery is a bit more drastic than I find necessary. I went to Optical Express and they do a free pair of prescription sunglasses in addition to the main pair. Honest, I'm not advertising!

In general the job's been ok, but I'm not particularly enjoying it. I feel worn out by the 12-hour shifts and despite the days off, I still feel like a zombie once the shift is over. I'll soldier on though and try to derive as much positivity from it as I can (if that is actually possible).

I saw the final of Big Brother the other night. I've watched a lot of this series and thought Anthony was a deserved winner (the best of a bad bunch?), despite seeming like quite a simple guy. Either he was playing it safe or being himself but I think anyone that can put up with Craig in such a confined space deserves to win! I'm glad Makosi didn't win as I found her really annoying!

What else have I been up to? Well, apart from those soul-destroying stints in the call centre, not much. I recently bought a couple of books/magazines; "Touching From a Distance", about Ian Curtis, frontman of Joy Division, who killed himself, and a graphic novel about the life of Kurt Cobain, frontman of Nirvana, who also killed himself - nice, uplifting bedtime reading! Musically, I've been listening to the likes of Joy Division and Air - a strange combination, I know, but that's just me.

Future
And now to the future - Suzi is trying to arrange a week in Ibiza for the closing fiestas (parties) and so if she can book it I'll go. I just feel the need to go somewhere like that - it's an incredible place, if a little on the expensive side.

As I said I'll be looking for another flat soon. Although the lease ends for me on 22nd September, I'll start looking around the end of August (just after my birthday). I'm keen to move back to the west end. I'll aim to have the party around the middle of September, so will start inviting around the 22nd August - put a date in your diary!

As for the job, I don't think I can last more than 2 months more in Goldfish. If I want to preserve my soul, I'll have to start looking elsewhere soon. It's probably more the 12-hour shifts that are putting me off rather than the job itself. Honestly, most days you come to the end and it feels like you've been there for days - not nice! The thought of Mon-Fri 9-5 seems very appealing to me at the moment! I'm not sure what to look for next but was considering even a degree-related job. Iain's brother Andy had applied to Graham Technology (who are keen to take ESE graduates), and I was considering applying also. If not, then it may be another call centre, or even bar work (worse pay, but more sociable and no neon lights/computer screens to burn my eyes out of their sockets). I'm discovering that call centres are not really for me. If I'm to be a corporate whore like 99.9% of the population then I'd rather be a corporate whore who can make a difference, not some corporate equivalent of a battery hen.

In the long term, there are certain things I want to do, such as get a laptop, learn to drive, pay off my student loan, write some songs etc, but only once I've settled into my new surroundings. I would like to go abroad at some point, but not just yet - I'm quite content in Glasgow at the moment. I know the city well and feel settled here. I won't stay here forever though.

I was thinking of trying to join a band soon as well - this would solve all my problems of what to do with my time off! In general though, I guess I'm hoping to make a few good decisions which will set me off in the right direction so as I can find the path to spiritual fulfilment (or something along those lines).

Living the Dream

Recently I had a dream, where I was in the QM (student union in Glasgow uni), and I was trying to get some change at the booth. The guy refused, and as I persisted in trying to get the change, he was having none of it, as I was no longer a student and hence not allowed to get change. Strange, I know, but what was even stranger was that the next day, when in town, I walked right past the guy who used to (and maybe still does) work in the QM change booth!

In another dream I was sitting with my sisters, drinking coffee at a picnic table. After we left, I was feeling incredibly high and euphoric for a while afterwards. I then found out that my sisters had spiked me with cocaine.

The other day, I was woken by my alarm. I reacted as usual by hitting the snooze button. The next thing I knew I was on a bus, on the top floor of a double decker. I was travelling down what was like an over-elaborate dream version of Victoria road. I suddenly realised I was approaching my stop, and so went to make my way down the stairs. What made it awkward was that I was carrying several bags, my jacket was only half on and I had only one shoe on. After gathering myself together, I got downstairs and asked the driver if he could let me off. He refused, driving past my stop. After I persisted he eventually let me out at the next traffic lights. As I stepped off the bus, I suddenly found myself in my bed again, and about 20 minutes had elapsed since my alarm went off. I then got up.

I've never really thought much about dreams having any symbolism, but maybe there is some here... in the first one, I think maybe this was symbolising my partial yearning to be a student again, most likely brought on by my being stressed out about my job, and the long shifts, which have slowly been eroding my soul. I reckon if I had some work experience before going to uni then I would've appreciated it much more and made more of my time there. I was considering a masters/PhD but financially it's not realistic at the moment. As for seeing that guy from the QM the next day, I've no idea, but it was an odd coincidence.

As for the second one, I'm not sure but maybe it symbolises some form of encouragement or help from my family. Perhaps all I need at the moment is a chat with someone, to encourage me to go and succeed and be happy, and I've found in the past that talking with family members about issues can really help to point me in the right direction. I'm not sure about the cocaine analogy though, so maybe it just means I will be spiked with drugs at some point or become a coke addict. Anyway, it was a bit random.

I think the 3rd one might symbolise me gaining more control of my sleeping rhythm. I often find it hard to wake myself up in the morning, if I've nothing to get up for - it's almost as if the "get up and go" part of my brain isn't there sometimes or if that part itself is asleep also. I genuinely can find it hard to get up, as I just feel so warm and euphoric in my bed in the morning and really can struggle to come out of dreamland. Perhaps me getting off the "dream bus" then waking up straight after symbolises an improved ability to wake up and face the world.

Another thing worth noting is that the people in my dreams recently have been real people who I know, whereas before they used to be imaginary or only based on real people or hybrids of real people. Perhaps this symbolises my dreams becoming closer to reality. Hopefully this is a good thing and works vice versa.

Stress, Stress, Stress

Yesterday I lost both my keys and my phone on two separate occasions...

Once I was up and out of bed and ready etc, I was just about to leave the flat when I noticed my keys were missing. I searched everywhere for them and they were nowhere to be seen. Edzell had left a message on my mobile to say that my flatmates cheques had bounced and I was to ask him to call into the office first thing the next day to pay up or we would get evicted. What had happened was that I think he had enough funds in the bank but he hadn't cancelled the cheque he had sent a month earlier. At the time, Edzell claimed not to have received this. Once they had received his second cheque (for the full amount) they paid both in, causing Shagger's account to go overdrawn. Whether this was deliberate I don't know but when I spoke to the guy on the phone and questioned this, he pleaded ignorance. I then texted Shagger to let him know the situation.

Whilst I was on the phone, I asked Edzell if I could get some spare keys, so they agreed to let me borrow copies which I could get cut. I went to the office (in Shawlands) and then got the keys cut. Once I returned to the flat I found out that the key for the inner door didn't work! I'd spent a fiver getting those cut so felt a bit conned. I was determined not to stay in the flat and I'd planned to go to Prestwick to visit my parents, so I texted Shagger (who was at work) to let him know I'd left the front door unlocked, and to come straight home after work to make sure the door was locked.

I got the number 12 bus into town. Once I'd got off the bus I realised I didn't have my phone - I must've left it on the seat! I then chased the bus round a few streets, to eventually catch it at a stop. Before I could get on, I was hindered by a guy in front arguing with the bus driver. Eventually he just got on the bus despite the driver telling him he couldn't do so. I then got on to look for my phone. A foreign guy was now sitting in what had been my seat. I tried to explain to him I may have left my phone but he was having trouble understanding. Eventually the guy who had got on in front of me helped me out by asking the foreign guy to stand up. I then searched the floor and the seat but no sign of the phone. This was quite embarrassing as the bus was crowded. I was also still sweating from chasing the bus. Eventually I gave up and got off at the next stop. Maybe someone had found the phone, but I wasn't to know. In retrospect maybe I could've borrowed someone else's phone and called my number to see if it would ring but at the time I was a bit too stressed.

I also nearly missed the bank, but luckily I got there with 5 minutes to spare, in time to pay in Shagger's cheque which he'd gave me - I hope it doesn't bounce!

I then went for a coffee and got the train back to Prestwick. The first thing I did was phone o2 to bar my phone just in case some ned tried to use it. They said they'd send me a replacement SIM card free of charge. I tried calling Shagger from Prestwick to see if he'd sorted out the rent situation and seen my keys, but no answer. This morning he responded to my voicemail to say it was sorted and he was just to send Edzell another cheque, and also that my keys were behind a picture frame. - how they got there I don't know. My theory was that Shagger had perhaps lost his when out on the piss the night before and borrowed mine for the day.

Anyway, what I'll do is I'll phone First buses tomorrow and see if by chance anyone's handed my phone in. If not, I'll have to get a new one. Luckily I stored all my numbers on an old SIM card as a precaution.